


A Matter of Opinion

by wildknees



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Glam Rock, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-14
Updated: 2012-06-14
Packaged: 2017-11-07 17:50:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/433774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildknees/pseuds/wildknees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius in eyeliner has driven all of Hogwarts insane with desire. Remus is the only sane one left and is having a tough time dealing with the love-struck staff and students.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Matter of Opinion

Really, Remus thought that Sirius in eyeliner looked a bit silly. The boy was so bloody handsome anyway, there was no way he could look any better. Why even bother with makeup?

Still, there was no denying that the eyeliner did have a certain captivating effect. The smudgy black lines provided a heavy contrast against Sirius' pale skin, making his already striking eyes look so intense it was startling. One might even say that it seemed like all the beauty in world could be summed up by this boy's gaze, if one were particularly melodramatic. But in Remus' opinion, the makeup took away from Sirius' natural handsomeness. It just made him look overdone and garish.

For weeks Sirius had been going on about glam-this and glam-that, but Remus never thought that it had any _point_ to it. He should have guessed that it would culminate in something like this.

"Are you wearing eyeliner?" Remus had asked, peering at Sirius as they left the dormitory for breakfast.

"Yeah! Do you like it?"

Remus didn't, but he didn't want to burst his boyfriend's bubble about something so small and trivial, so he kept his mouth shut.

Though Remus wasn't fond of the look, it soon became evident that the rest of the school felt _very_ differently about Sirius in eyeliner.

Girls whispering and giggling as Sirius passed them in the hallways was nothing new, but yesterday three girls had actually fainted upon looking at him. Bertha Jorkins had flung herself at Sirius, grabbed his hand, and begged him to marry her. Mary MacDonald, who had dated Sirius last year, had burst into loud wailing sobs when she saw him, suddenly overcome with grief by her loss.

And now it wasn't just the girls who were utterly transfixed by Sirius – it was the boys too. When Sirius had said good morning to Frank Longbottom, Frank went into a daze and could do nothing but grin stupidly and wave at Sirius. Kingsley Shacklebolt had viciously elbowed Remus out of the way in the Great Hall to sit beside Sirius. But the worst thing, Remus thought, was that his fellow Marauders had fallen victim to Sirius' beauty. James kept offering to carry Sirius' books to their next class, and Peter was obsessive about making sure Sirius had everything he needed, being especially concerned about Sirius' eyeliner pencil running low.

Everyone had gone completely mad.

Remus had at least expected that Lily, who he thought of as a very determined and independent girl, wouldn't fall under Sirius' spell. And for the most part she didn't. But the mere presence of Sirius seemed to be enough to inspire her to act peculiarly kind to James. (However, Lily's sudden kindness may have just come about because, if Sirius was around, James was too transfixed by him to shout his usual questionable pick-up lines at Lily.)

Even the teachers weren't immune to Sirius' black-rimmed eyes. When Sirius had asked to go to the bathroom in Transfigurations, McGonagall had actually _blushed_ as she said (in a strangely girly voice,) "Yes you may, Mr. Black." Dumbledore had come down from the teachers' table at lunch to have a personal toast with Sirius. And Slughorn (who already seemed to be quite smitten with Sirius, eyeliner or not) had spent all of Potions besides Sirius' table talking incessantly about the expensive wine he had just received as a gift from an old student, and if Sirius should like to sample it he might stop by Slughorn's office later that evening (Sirius declined, of course).

Remus had been working beside Sirius for the entire Potions class, but he had been completely ignored by Slughorn, even as he repeatedly asked for help with his Draught of Living Death. It exploded rather violently. When Sirius offered to stay behind and help Remus clean it up, the whole class decided they would stay behind and help Sirius.

The strangest event, possibly in Remus' entire life, had happened that night when he had gone down to the kitchens with Sirius to get a late-night snack (after assuring James and Peter that Sirius would be coming back right away). Distracted by the upcoming feast of chocolate cake, they had forgotten to check the Map before they left and kitchens, and on their way back to Gryffindor tower a terrible misfortune fell upon them – Peeves came zooming around the corner.

Peeves always had fun making up names for the students ('Loony Lupin' and 'Potter the Rotter' were among his better creations, which wasn't saying much). But rather than thinking up an especially dirty name for Sirius, Peeves had only gasped out, "Adonis!"

And then, in a continuingly bizarre situation, Peeves didn't drop poisonous insects on their heads or throw pieces of furniture at them. The poltergeist had instead offered Sirius a bouquet of red roses. Sirius tentatively accepted the roses, and in a truly surprising occurrence the flowers neither exploded nor shot water into Sirius' face. Peeves had then formed a strange sort of sneering smile (that was probably intended to be dashing) before he zoomed off down the hallway again.

Filch and Mrs. Norris came tearing around the corner a second later – another horrible misfortune. Remus was sure they were doomed. Out of bed after lights-out, arms laden with stolen food (and a bouquet of roses), Remus probably would have even given himself a detention.

But Filch didn't give them detention, or even tell them off. He turned a bit pink, made a kind of choking noise, and then silently bowed to Sirius. Mrs. Norris purred as she rubbed her head against Sirius' leg. Remus and Sirius returned to Gryffindor tower with the food and Remus was left feeling like someone had hit him with a Confunding charm.

Sirius was handsome, no doubt, but it seemed that the entire school had gone completely mad when he put on a bit of eyeliner. They couldn't keep their eyes off him. Remus didn't mind too much – he wasn't _jealous_ or anything. They could fawn over Sirius all they wanted, Sirius wasn't about to crawl into _their_ beds every night. Besides, managing admirers was something Sirius had been dealing with since he had started at Hogwarts, a few extras weren't anything to worry about. Were they?

***

The next morning found Sirius again in front of the mirror, carefully lining his eyes with black. James carried Sirius' books down to the Great Hall, and when the owls arrived during breakfast there were at least twenty owls fighting to deliver their own messages to Sirius first. Every one of the messages turned out to be a love letter or a romantic poem, most written on heart-shaped pieces of paper with 'i's dotted with hearts. All the red and pink and lace was enough to make Remus sick. It looked like Valentine's Day had thrown up on the Gryffindor table.

(Remus had also received a letter that morning, made up of letters that had been cut and pasted from the Daily Prophet. It simply read 'stAy aWay from bLACK weRewOLf' and Remus quickly crumpled it up before he could think about what the grease marks on the paper revealed about the sender.)

It was no secret that Sirius loved being the center of attention, and, now having noticed that the school had been acting a bit strange around him, was strutting around like a peacock. For one terrifying moment Remus had even thought that he had seen glitter on Sirius' cheeks.

"Well aren't you lucky to have such a good looking boyfriend in eyeliner," Sirius said teasingly, noticing Remus' gaze.

Remus just smiled. He _was_ lucky to have Sirius, though eyeliner was irrelevant in the matter.

"Never thought you'd be just as crazy as the rest of them, Moony. Who knew a bit of makeup was enough to get you all heated up?" Sirius gave him a saucy wink before strutting off down the corridor.

With a sigh, Remus followed after Sirius. Sirius was, of course, under the impression that Remus adored the eyeliner as much as everyone else did, as Remus still couldn't work up the nerve to tell Sirius what he really thought about it. And, if Friday night was anything to go by, Remus wouldn't be able to tell him anytime soon.

Remus had left the common room shortly after eleven, feeling run down from a day full of being jostled by Sirius' admirers, and Sirius said he would be up shortly afterwards. Remus was just beginning to drift off to sleep when his bed hangings were pulled back from his bed and Sirius crawled in on top of him.

"Evening Moony," Sirius whispered, wide grin evident even the dark.

Sleep abandoned for a more satisfying pursuit, Remus grinned back and reached up to pull Sirius down for a kiss. Their lips were barely an inch away when Remus froze, having caught a glimpse of Sirius' face in the light shining in through the open bed hangings.

"Did you put on _more_ eyeliner?" he asked, incredulous. If Remus though that eyeliner during the day was silly, then eyeliner for bed was just ridiculous. But Sirius was grinning even wider.

"Yeah," Sirius purred, running his fingers down Remus' chest. "Do you like it?"

Remus, of course, did _not_ like it, but with a half-naked and eager Sirius straddling his hips, eyeliner was the last thing on his mind.

The next morning Remus woke up beside a racoon.

It was lovely to wake up with Sirius curled up against his side, but when Remus opened his eyes to look at Sirius he couldn't help but laugh. Sirius woke at the sound (and at the sudden movement of what he was using as a pillow) and blearily turned to Remus.

In sleep (and other activities) the eyeliner had smeared around Sirius eyes in a way that made him look a bit like a racoon. As he tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes he only succeeded in rubbing a streak of eyeliner up his forehead. Remus snorted, and Sirius grinned sleepily at him.

"Having a nice dream?"

Here, even when Sirius' eyeliner very clearly did look terrible, Remus couldn't say a thing about it.

That afternoon nearly the entire school headed to the Quidditch pitch to watch the Gryffindor vs. Slytherin match. But rather than the usual thrill and excitement that came with a Gryffindor and Slytherin match, it was perhaps the worst Quidditch game the school had ever seen.

As much as Remus enjoyed watching Quidditch, this was just ridiculous. The only two players who seemed to be able to concentrate on the game were Sirius and Regulus, and a game of Quidditch played by only a Chaser and a Seeker wasn't the most exciting thing to see. Nevertheless, the school seemed content to just watch Sirius put the Quaffle through the hoops again and again. Even the Slytherins cheered each time Sirius scored another ten points, which wasn't even a challenge, as the Slytherin Keeper was moving out of the way to allow Sirius a better shot.

All four Beaters in the match were making sure that the Bludgers came nowhere near Sirius, which left the rest of the players open for attack. A Bludger to the stomach temporarily knocked James out of his Sirius-induced stupor and he screamed at the Gryffindor Seeker, but it was too late - Regulus had caught the Snitch.

Gryffindor had still won 240-150 and the stands erupted in a frenzied cheer for Gryffindor. The Slytherin captain seized the Snitch out of Regulus' hand and presented it to Sirius like an engagement ring, a prize for playing such an excellent game. (Sirius had been unsure of what to do with the Snitch after the game so he handed it to James, expecting that the team captain would know what to do with it. James pocketed the Snitch and it was never to be seen in the school Quidditch set again.)

That evening the Gryffindor common room was completely packed for the team's celebration. There was a long queue of students from other houses outside the portrait hole hoping to get in, and all of Gryffindor house was pressing in around Sirius. They had lifted him again and again above their head as three cheers turned into six, and then nine, and then Sirius was beginning to look a bit queasy from the repetitive up and down motions.

Remus tried to convince himself that he only felt the tiniest twinge of jealous as hands groped at his boyfriend. But soon he was beginning to feel like he was being suffocated, and somehow managed to squeeze out of the overcrowded common room.

He stomped through the corridors without really thinking about where he was going. He wasn't jealous. He _wasn't_. But it felt a bit like his blood was boiling. He thought he would maybe splash some cold water on his face, but was rather startled when he stopped in the second floor bathrooms and found what appeared to be Sirius touching up his eyeliner.

The boy spun around when he heard the door shut behind Remus. It turned out not to be Sirius, but Regulus, clutching an eyeliner pencil like a wand in a duel. Before Remus could even speak Regulus had flown at him and roughly grabbed the front of his robes.

"Look at me!" Regulus gasped, shaking Remus and staring up at him with black-rimmed eyes, "I'm irresistible!"

Regulus strongly resembled Sirius, especially in the poorly lit bathroom, so once again Remus thought that the eyeliner was overdoing it a bit. Regulus had turned back to his own reflection and was staring at himself with a look of horrified fascination.

"I didn't expect it to be like this," Regulus was saying, almost to himself, "I thought maybe he had used some kind of charm or something. This is... this is... I'm irresistible!"

Regulus turned to Remus again and was about to continue, but saw the door opening behind Remus. Once again Regulus flew at Remus at an alarming speed and spun him around, ducking behind Remus' shoulders to hide.

Snape, who had just walked into the bathrooms, stopped and glared at Remus suspiciously.

"Uhm. Hello," Remus managed, feeling ridiculously awkward as Regulus held him in place.

"Who is that?" Snape asked coldly, trying to peer over Remus' shoulder. Catching a glimpse of black hair, his voice turned slightly hopeful as he asked, "Is that Black?"

"Regulus!" Remus heard the boy squeak as Regulus ducked further behind Remus' shoulders. "Not Sirius!"

Snape almost looked disappointed for a second before his eyes once again narrowed in suspicion. He glared at Remus for a few moments before he seemed to decide it would be best to leave, and slowly backed out the door.

Regulus released his grip on Remus and turned back to his own reflection, once again captivated by his own beauty.

"It's a good thing it was you who found me. You're the only one who's not infatuated with my brother."

Remus would have said that that observation couldn't be farther from the truth, but he had never even had a proper conversation with Regulus, so he didn't feel that it was his place to say just how infatuated he was with Sirius.

"I've seen the way the school's acting," Regulus was saying, "I thought they were insane. But now that I see it..." Regulus' voice trailed off as he examined his reflection.

"Well, I think it's a bit much, actually."

Regulus spun around and glared at him. "'A bit much'? ' _A bit much'?_ " Regulus asked, disbelieving. Remus nodded.

"You're a good-looking boy. You really don't need the makeup. It looks silly."

Regulus' face twisted in confusion for a moment before he turned back to his reflection. He was silent as he studied himself for a while before he finally turned to Remus solemnly.

"You're right. I can't be seen like this."

With the help of a cleaning charm, Regulus washed away all traces of the makeup, and Remus thought him quite a sensible boy for doing so. They shook hands and Regulus suggested that they never speak of this again. Remus agreed, but their meeting had left him feeling confused about more than just the sanity of the Black family.

He was able to tell Regulus that the eyeliner looked bad when he hardly even knew the boy, but when it came to telling Sirius, who he knew better than he knew himself, he clammed up. He hated lying like this - Sirius was under the impression that he liked the eyeliner, and he couldn't say that he didn't because... why was it, anyway?

***

After a few days the school's infatuation with Sirius and his black-lined eyes hadn't waned at all. Each morning James would carry Sirius' books down to the Great Hall while Peter ran ahead to make sure that the eggs at breakfast were scrambled the way Sirius liked them. The house elves, remembering Sirius' black-lined eyes from his kitchen visit, were determined to please him, and there were scrambled eggs at breakfast every morning and sometimes at lunch as well. When the owls arrived they brought a mass of love letters, romantic poetry, lurid gifts, and hopeful date invites for Sirius. Remus had also received one more cut, pasted, and grease-marked letter, this time reading 'geT YOu lupIN'.

In the hallways, in classes, in the tower, in the _bathroom_ – everyone was always jostling to get a look at Sirius. Remus just couldn't get a minute alone with him. Remus was particularly annoyed when he and Sirius had been in the middle of a fantastically good snog in their dormitory and James had burst in, shoving Remus to the side to sit down beside Sirius and just _stare_ at him. People were always barging in and shoving Remus aside as they tried to get to Sirius.

During classes the professors were smitten with Sirius, their lecturing often stopping abruptly for lengthy periods of time as they gazed intently at Sirius. Binns' droning had actually trailed off for a moment when he looked up at Sirius (whose eyes were unfocused and drooping, but lined with black). Half the students had woken up in shock at the sudden disappearance of the endless monotone voice. After a moment, Binns quickly cleared his throat and resumed his lecture.

Briefly, Remus thought that Binns becoming distracted from one of his lectures was probably a historic moment at Hogwarts. It was probably also a historic moment that a bit of eyeliner made the entire school go _completely_ mental.

***

After a week of being pushed and shoved out of the way, Remus decided he'd had enough. He was sore and bruised and just a bit cranky, and he was ready to tell Sirius what he thought about the eyeliner, no matter how hard it was to say. No more lies. He marched up to Gryffindor tower and found Sirius sitting in their dormitory, miraculously and thankfully alone, reclining on his bed and completely absorbed in a Muggle magazine article about Marc Bolan. Remus steadied himself, sat down beside Sirius, and cleared his throat importantly.

"What's up, Moony?" Sirius asked, setting aside his magazine and leaning in for a kiss. Sirius arm found its way around Remus' waist and Remus was very tempted to forget everything and just settle in to the kiss, but he had come here with a purpose! Gathering up every ounce of willpower he had, Remus pulled away from the kiss.

"This has got to stop," he said seriously.

Sirius stared at Remus.

"Are we breaking up?"

"No! No, of course not. What I mean is-" Remus sat up straighter and cleared his throat again. He had planned out his speech in his head, but now that he was facing Sirius it seemed a lot harder to say. "I... well, I... W-what I mean is your eyes."

Sirius' hands flew up to his own face, fingers gently touching his eyelids. "My eyes?" he asked, confused, "What's wrong with my eyes? They haven't gone all funny again, have they? I'll kill James if he's done that again. Or do they-" Sirius' voice suddenly turned very hopeful. "Do they look like David Bowie's?"

Remus took a deep breath. No more playing around it. "No, Sirius. I mean - the eyeliner."

Sirius lowered his hands from where they were still covering his face.

"You don't like it?"

"Well, I…"

Remus was torn, and felt his resolve wavering. Sirius was obviously very fond of the eyeliner and really, it was such a small thing Remus didn't think he should be making such a fuss about it. Sirius could do whatever he wanted with his appearance; it was just that Remus needed to say what he thought to Sirius.

The eyeliner wasn't exactly his favourite look for Sirius, but he felt that he cared about Sirius enough that he could willing overlook it. And besides, it wasn't just his appearance that Remus loved him for, it was... Sirius. It was the way he laughed, the way he'd do anything for his friends… It was – it was the way Remus felt when Sirius was smiling at him. Making such a fuss about the eyeliner was stupid. Remus would just have to learn to deal with the extra attention Sirius was receiving.

Remus suddenly felt very cold, and couldn't help but give a violent shiver. Nearly Headless Nick had floated up through the bed.

"Good evening, Mr. Black," Nick said, completely ignoring Remus and looking like he was about to bow to Sirius, but then thought better of it as his head wobbled dangerously.

"Umm... hey Nick," Sirius managed to stammer.

"I was wondering if you might be interested in taking an evening stroll with me. They've only just moved the portraits around in the Astronomy Tower, and…" Nick looked to the floor, and Remus was sure that if Nick wasn't so misty and transparent he would be blushing. "It's- it's very quiet and secluded there, so I thought you might… like to take a look."

"Oh… no thanks, Nick," Sirius said. Noticing Nick's crestfallen look, he quickly added, "Maybe another time."

Nick still looked a bit sulky, but he floated out of the room, turning back for another quick look at Sirius and only succeeding in making his own head flop sickeningly to the side.

Enough was enough. Remus had made up his mind. He was really going to do it this time. He waited a few moments (to make sure Nick wasn't coming back for one more quick look) before he turned to Sirius, feeling very determined.

"No. I don't like your eyeliner," he said firmly. "I've been wanting to tell you for a while, but I guess I've been afraid that you'd... you'd think I was a right whinging nag, when you can accept me for - for being a werewolf and I can't even ignore a bit of makeup. But I'm not telling you to _stop_ , I'm just telling you - I don't like it. I think it makes you look awful, even if everyone else seems to think it makes you look like some sort of sex god. I'm getting tired of them fawning over you at all hours of the day."

Sirius stared at him, mouth open. "You're not – you're not _jealous_ , are you?" Remus meant to say that _no_ , he certainly _wasn't_ jealous, but Sirius quickly continued before Remus could get a word in. "Because you know you're the only one to me. And really Moony, you should know by now that even if you told me I looked like a cave troll, I know I'm gorgeous!"

And Sirius was smiling at him, and Remus felt his stomach flutter familiarly. This, Remus thought, was exactly why he was with Sirius. Remus felt a bit stupid for keeping things quiet now, when he should have known that Sirius wouldn't be angry about it anyway.

"It's a bit of a hassle, anyway. And besides, it's not like I'm trying to impress anyone else, is it? Just you. And you couldn't resist me even if I had dragon pox." Sirius leaned in for another kiss. His arm once again found its way to Remus' waist (beginning to creep up the back of his jumper) and Remus once again gathered up all his willpower (very was little left by now) and pushed Sirius away.

"Go wash that off first," Remus said, referring to Sirius' eyeliner.

Sirius grinned. "Think I'll take a shower. Care to join?"

***

The next day no eyeliner darkened the edges of Sirius' eyes. James was about to offer to carry his friend's books again, but once James glanced up at Sirius' face he stopped mid-sentence and wondered to himself why he had wanted to carry his friend's books anyway. Peter had dashed out of the bathroom in fear when he noticed the eyeliner pencil laying in the rubbish bin, but completely forgot what he had been so worried about when he saw Sirius heading down to breakfast. Briefly, Peter wondered out loud if there would be pancakes at breakfast, as he was getting awfully tired of scrambled eggs.

When they walked into the Great Hall, every head turned to look at Sirius, but everyone except a few of the girls turned back their breakfasts after a quick glance. Eighteen owls brought Sirius love letters that had been sent yesterday, and there was an uneasy murmur as staff and students wondered why Sirius was receiving so much mail.

McGonagall gave Sirius detention for purposely setting his desk aflame. Slughorn spent all of Potions standing beside Sirius' table telling Sirius about the Swiss chocolate he had just received as a gift from an old student, and if Sirius should like to sample it he might stop by Slughorn's office later that evening. But that was nothing new.

Filch had snarled at them while they were on their way back from dinner (for once doing nothing wrong), and Peeves had thrown a vase at them, knocking Sirius into a suit of armour. Even as the armour clattered angrily and swung a well-aimed kick at Sirius' shin, Remus was happy that everything was back to normal and once again he was the only one who was madly in love with Sirius.

And if that made him insane, so be it.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted August 6 2010 at fanfiction.net.


End file.
